Smart Marriage Conference Day 3

I’m on information overload from today’s sessions… and for that reason I am choosing to focus on one topic for this post which came out of the lunch session.  INFIDELITY. It was the jewel for me today.

Two Speakers: Michele Weiner-Davis and Dave Carder. Both were great and I highly recommend you check out their websites. My notes are below.

Infidelity Busting by Michele Weiner Davis:

Kick off statement: infidelity is carefully planned out… it never “just happens”

The long term process: Recover, Rebuild, Restore.

• healing takes time and is not a straight line
• balance talk about the affair to move past the affair
• spending time together does help
• Don’t throw in the towel!

Task for the Betrayed Spouse:

• express your hurt and anger
• ask for reassurances without accusing
• identify what might help and ask for it
• identify areas of your marriage you need to improve
• introduce “thought stopping”… this typically happens later on in the marriage.
• learn ways to get back on track

Task for the Unfaithful Spouse:

• end the affair
• show remorse and real empathy
• share details
• be willing to do what it takes to reassure your spouse
• do whatever it takes
• expect up’s and down’s… be patient – it’s normal
• identify other areas of marriage you need to work on
• commit to change
• learn ways to get back on track

Also, Michele gave us a great blog post on “infidelity leave” to check out.

Close Calls by Dave Carder:

Infatuation is the most powerful drug… No person can think correctly when they are infatuated with something.

Any relationship with potential for quick chemistry is dangerous.

Platonic friendships are not wrong… set your own guidelines and be very careful at all times.

Understand your dangerous partner profile… this basically means to know the type of person you are attracted to and beware of those that fit the profile in your life.

Old girlfriends/Old boyfriends – stay away!

Great Quote: the power of temptation always lies in wait for the perfect timing

“Close Call” Friendship Danger Signs

1. save topics for conversation
2. you share spousal difficulties
3. your friend shares relationship difficulties
4. anticipation to see your friend more than spouse
5. you compare spouse to friend
6. provide special treats for friend
7. more concerned for friend than spouse
8. fantasize marriage with your friend
9. more alone time with friend than spouse
10. no spousal access to conversations with friend
11. spend money on friend without spouse awareness
12. conflicts with spouse over friend
13. lie to spend time with friend
14. hide interactions with friend from spouse
15. accuse spouse of jealousy when friendship is brought up
16. develop special rituals with friend
17. friend shares their feelings or touches you which creates an inward response
18. sexual content in conversations with friend
19. participate in travel, meals, drinks, and entertainment with friend